How to Ask for Help
It seems to come naturally for some people, doesn’t it?
You see it happen all the time: one coworker asks another to cover them on a task, a shorter person asks a taller person to reach something off a high shelf, or a stranger helps someone change a flat tire on the side of the road.
People help each other all the time. You see it in action. You help people, too. So why do the words, “Hey, could you help me with…” get caught in your throat?
The Psychology of Asking
There are numerous mental blocks that may be holding you back from asking for help. This article from Psyche discusses several mental blocks such as negative associations you may have with the act (i.e. thinking someone is not intelligent or lazy if they need help), self-sacrificing beliefs (you should put others’ needs before your own), and overestimating the likelihood of rejection.
Take a moment to reflect on why it’s so hard to ask for help. Sometimes these realizations are quite painful to come to, especially if you’ve been denied help in a critical moment in the past. But the exploration of the why is important. People often find that by confronting the why of their fears, they see that the fears aren’t warranted. For every time you felt silly asking for help, you probably have joyfully helped someone else out. And didn’t helping them feel good?
In her article for the Harvard Business Review, Heidi Grant writes, “Perhaps the easiest way to overcome the pain of asking for help is to realize that most people are surprisingly willing to lend a hand.”
There’s a reason for that. Helping others feels good! Acts of kindness release the hormone oxytocin. Oxytocin is the “warm fuzzy” hormone that helps us feel bonded with other humans. Remember this the next time a stranger holds a door open for you. Even a simple act of kindness boosts oxytocin, so by accepting their gesture, you’re contributing to their mental well-being, too!
Tips
Now that you’re psyched up and ready to do the asking, let’s talk about how to ask.
- Be clear and specific. At face-value, communication is key here. If someone doesn’t know exactly what you’re asking of them, it could be hard to actually help. Sometimes we might obscure a request for help through a long explanation of our circumstances, hoping that someone will offer. This method sets you up for failure. Just ask. Politely, of course. But don’t risk losing someone in the details.
- Ask in-person or over the phone, not in an email. You’re 34 times more likely to get a yes!
- Make it personal––to them. If you can express why the other person is the one you’re asking, it can imbue the request with something special. “I know you’re an incredible writer, and I know I’d feel so much more confident with my cover letter if you looked over it for me.”
- Don’t try to sweeten the request with promises of a returned favor. That makes the help feel transactional rather than organic. You can absolutely return the favor later, and hopefully you can. It just doesn’t need to be expressly stated when you ask.
- If you truly struggle with asking for help, try to replace your negative thoughts with a new mantra: “People love to help me.” You’ll feel silly saying it at first, but repeating a phrase, even mentally, can help you redirect negative thoughts and possibly move past some misbeliefs you’ve been holding onto.
To read more in-depth about these tips and more, check out this Psychology Today article.
There are many tips and tricks out there, but the best thing you can do is interrogate why it is hard to ask for help in the first place. Once you ask for help and have it come your way, you may be able to heal the part of you that felt unworthy of help. Never underestimate the power of people coming together.